We are all the same.

We have been feeding poor people. It all started at Tim Horton's after swim lessons one day. There was a girl there who had a sign that read that she just wanted some food-  she would take anything. I wanted to invite her in for lunch but it is a tricky thing with children, and I was not sure about my husband's reaction. There was also a little fear there, I am sure. Instead I bought a gift card for her from that Tim's, but when we left she was already gone. It was then that we started a discussion about helping people and why they even needed help in the first place. Days later, we were in the city and there was a man on the corner with a sign asking for food. We gave him the gift card and told him that it must have been for him. From then on, I have had many talks with my kids about people in need- why they may be in need, that they are just like us but may have made bad decisions, or maybe they have not have been loved well. Anyways, I am not making this admission for my own sake. This is just the back story for today. Today my mother's heart soared to know that the message is getting through.

After church we were going for lunch, when once again we saw a woman with a sign, asking for change this time. We went and got our lunch and bought her some too. I also had twenty dollars in my wallet and gave her that. When I handed it to her, I saw her face, and knew she must be taking drugs with all the sores I saw. It was sad and I later thought to myself that I wished I could have stayed awhile, heard her story and told her that she is loved. I thought maybe I shouldn't have given her the money since she may use it for harm, but that is up to her now. When we drove away up the highway, I asked my kids what they thought and felt about helping poor people. My son spoke first, "It makes me feel happy and sort of creeped out."
I talked to him about the creeped out feeling and I asked him why it made him feel happy? He responded, "Because we are helping someone."
"Why would you feel happy about helping someone?" I wanted to know. "Why would you care about someone you don't even know?"
"Because we are all loved by God," was his simple reply.

He gets it.

Do we get it? I love his answer. I want that to sink in.

We are all the same.

I WILL NOT STAND STILL.

Maybe we should be going out instead of gathering. I have always felt like you can only grow so much until you desire to do more. Isn't the purpose of gathering to make a plan? Isn't the purpose of gathering together, to build each other up for good works. Not just for ourselves. And I would dare to say, not even just for our children. How are they to know how to have servants hearts if we are not serving? How are they to know the joy of selflessness for the sake of others? I have the best memories, the kind in which my heart soars, in simple ministry.
My Aunt and Uncle used to run a place called the Hope House. I remember that they would open these big doors and let in whoever would like to come off of the street. It was a time for a free, hot meal. It was also a time for getting to know people and being together. I loved to sit and sing with my Uncle as he played worship songs. It was where my desire to learn guitar was first formed. I loved the feeling of doing something beyond and I still love the thought of worshipping amidst the poor and broken. How awesome to break some heaviness. Music and mingling. My Aunt, she loved to serve, feeding the physical hunger. Church lived out.
I do not have a strong spirit. Although, that could be debated, I never feel it. But in these times I am brave. I want to feel more bravery. I will not stand still. I have to do more. I feel blessed in the intentional going. I want the times of sitting, of gathering, to develop a burning in my heart for serving. I need both; filling and pouring out. I don't want to be dry and I don't want to be stagnant. So, oh Lord, give me clarity. Let decisions be separate and one side of my frustrated thoughts be stronger than the other. I know what is valuable and I know what is ultimate. You are the forefront of my wanting, but I cannot see clearly. And, I am not the only one choosing in all of this. Let me not be leaning to the wrong side or pushing for the wrong outcomes, or with the wrong intentions. Your will be done.

Thankful for women of truth.

A hot soak followed by a hot chai tea, and at dusk, yes please. Tonight, finally, some retrospective thoughts. *think deep breathe here* I have closed out some options and am finally seeing pieces of conformation, that my choices have been prayerfully well thought out. Sometimes we just have to trust that eventually God will show us the why. One part down tonight, many to go. *add wink here* I am thinking that I have stepped far enough away to see more clearly. Life is weird.
This afternoon I was thankful for the beautiful drive, the drive that also exhausts me so, and began a prayer for clarity. While two of my little clan slept, I prayed for one side of my indecisive thoughts to become clearer so that I would know which way to hope upon. Ultimately these decisions are up to God and Garry, as I have told the kids. I only want the good. These times of restless stirring come with that. They bring about change of the heart and change our positioning. I don't want to stay the same so I have to thankfully accept the catalysts that come to guide me/us into the new. I hope for some rest in this piece of knowledge. And, I am thankful for women who speak truth and are willing to offer encouragement.

Church

Church politics. It is a strange thing. Somewhat important, and somewhat distracting from the purpose of Christianity. I have been sometimes attending a Pentecostal church. The word Pentecostal used to bother me a bit because of personal experience. It brought thoughts of ego and super spiritual out-there-ness. The Pentecostal church should be more like the Baptist church, be more put together- more articulate. Or should they? I grew up in different Baptist churches in part. The thought of Baptist churches bring me feelings of home and stability, but they can also be a bore. The Baptist church can be very legalistic. They should be more free like the Pentecostals? Or should they? What is biblical? When I lived up North I found a good place, a Mennonite Brethren church. MB churches are great, or this one was. I liked their broken down nature, the kind that drew in people with acceptance. That church brings thoughts of family togetherness. I have also been part of an Alliance church, a Vineyard church, a Lutheran church even, among a few others (just as a result of living in different places). I would love a bit of all these parts- free like a Pentecostal, strong like a Baptist, kind like the MB, liturgical like a Lutheran, but worshipful like the Vineyard. But, is that the point? Is that the church?
I have a friend that raises someone else's baby, and only for a time. She does it not for selfish gain, but to make a small, significant difference in that child's life. That is the church. I have another friend who has decided to raise many of her own children and without any debt, as to example that children and family are a blessing that God will provide for. That is the church. Another friend, has moved to a poor country and is working with people that need help physically and spiritually to live beyond their poverty. She is easing the hardship of their lives. That is the church. A friend so dear to me, is taking on a ministry to mothers in need, some of them in crisis pregnancies. She is using all of the experiences of her life to speak to women in the same hard places. She is the church. When it comes to meeting in a church building, I am drawn to the culture of a church. I want to be part of a church that speaks of these things in who they are and what they do collectively. I want structure, stability, and biblical purity, just like the rest, but it can't end there. I don't want to spend all my time figuring out what I am while missing who I am- redeemed. What am I doing that reflects who I am and says, "I am the church?"

a week of overwhelm

A strange week so far. Smoke in the air. It has been time with old friends and time in the city. This day was introspective on opposite ends. I have found more stripping of the old, and more familiarity to the new. Today I enjoyed the dentist just because I chatted with a wonderful faith-filled hygienist. Today I was let down by a friend. I don't care what happens as long as there's Jesus. Stripping hurts though. I have been thinking of what I want, personally and beyond what I hope for everyone else. Beyond what has been and could be. I want to live beyond the comforting mundane. The dulling mundane. Specifically, I want to live in the city. I don't want to be in a small and struggling, unbalanced church. I want to be part of a church with a strong foundation and a healthy gathering of all generations. I want a home that functions better, functions well. I want practicality, as that is my personality ingrained. Most of all, I want to be able to have more quality time with my own family and quiet time for myself. I need to be healthier, not more tired and run down. I need to be filled and fellowship, not let down and left alone. I need to be free to be creative, not hushed and overwhelmed. Today I felt almost like the last tie was cut and it is okay. Today I had a date with my eldest son too. I want more of that. It seems we are all left empty at the end of running out and driving around. I want to go to an appointment and then come home for lunch. I want night studies and winter classes, and freedom to be who we are created to be. I want diversity and truth.