I have not typed a single word on this blog in what seems like forever. It has been a season of figuring out our new life in the city. I have had many a thought to express, but life has gotten busy. I have had to make do with smaller, easier spaces to write for now. Like in this moment I have children badgering me with requests and questions, and as my kids get older and bedtimes shift, I have lost more of my nighttime quiet block. I however have not lost my creative mind. *Wink*
This is a weird season of rest. I feel like God has allowed me to have a much needed restorative separation. I honestly begged Him for it, and I know He lovingly said yes. I have a picture in my mind of what that looks like, that I am wanting/learning to paint. This healing rest is strange, and in part, painful. I am wrecked in a sense and it feels raw. It is like being carved out with a spoon as the potter reshapes who I am. And in this, some of the whole is kept, but the edges are being made more beautiful. Again my person is being sanctified and resettled, redeemed.
However, I feel like I am at the ugly middle of it all. I can't even see all the purpose in it all yet, or my fave; the inklings. I have faith that it will all be molded together, though. This is not my first rebuild. My God is a good God. The other side of that feeling of being wrecked, is seeing things differently, and revisiting places already experienced. I am finding thoughts that I had doubted and put aside, relit to belief again. Every time I get to this place of growth and stretch, there is a longing in me to dive into the mission field. I want to leave mediocre life and abandon it all. This time around though, I am beginning to see people with the same vision around me. And it came surprisingly, in part of course because God is cool like that.
Just last night, I was journaling about the women who have spoken into my life powerfully and have been influential in growing some part of it. I want to explore those thoughts greater... What is the common thread? Who are they? What qualities did I admire? I am not done my list of women, but I feel like it is leading to a sort of personal mission statement. I am also seeing purposes and spiritual gifts growing in my person.
I am finding as I rest on this rocky hill, I am seeing myself in a more prophetic light regarding spiritual gifts. It is sort of blowing me away actually- I am still a little unsure of how it all looks. I am drawn into counselling as a purpose to work towards. I love the workings of the mind and how everything works together, and how we create change. I still am passionate about encouraging women, so so much. I long to be in study of the bible beyond a capacity that I can find, which gives me a desire to create that myself, and why not?! I have for years had books stored up in my mind, and this year I wrote an actual outline on paper. Life is so fun and ever new. Although, I tend to lean towards the initial thought that life is hard, so I will note that as refreshing.
So, this is my life on the hill. Being renewed amidst a place of being wrecked. It is lovely and frustrating. Angering and settling. Hopeful and cry-worthy. I am rebelling, yet being wooed back to places of my youth. Boomerang spirituality.
