I am feeling stuck. I am feeling like we never normalized. Stripped down. Someone said I am at a crossroads. Another said we have been on such a long journey with a little more to go. I don't feel like this is an update for us, but processing for me. We wanted to fade into some normalcy but then quarantine came. We did not have the privilege to not be careful. We were too tired to even think about more medical anything.
Our new normal is staying quiet. Our new normal is weekly blood labs. Our new normal is low white blood cells from T-LGL Leukemia; an after affect of transplant. Our new normal this year was doing less just to handle the healing. It cost us, this journey, this fight. It cost me.
I gave so much and would do it again, but I am stripped down. I feel like I have been in the dirt and cut up. I feel the edge of movement coming but I just cannot get there. I am doing so much internal work but on the outside I am literally physically shaking. My body knows what this has cost me.
We are moving into a new space called permanent disability. I feel the need to take it and fix it. But, my body knows. It says slow down. I am concerned that I see warning signs when I push too hard; brain fog, missing words, and startled waking. I feel it in my chest just writing this and I take a big breathe.
I don't want to be seen as weak or lazy; that I am not. I am willing to do what it takes. But, my body says no.
I need some sort of ignition. Some sort of joy. I need cascading wellness. I don't know how I will ever get there now. Loss of community. Loss of so much.
I have ambition. I have want of friendship and fellowship. I cannot move. Everyone else is moving now and I am still so tired. Because, this is not over.
