Stripped ideologies of a thirty-five year old mother.

I have written so much in my heart but have not put it to type lately. It is my least favorite time of the year. The struggle with not letting depression win as we are cooped up in these mountains, and always sick for the month of February. My life in this very moment is resembling the end of winter; hopeful sun and then back stepping winter. I wish I could just for a moment see the clear view of a part of what is ahead. It will be none of us, because we are at our end and have nothing left of control to make it all work. It will be all up to God. Our plans are failing. I guess that means that God's purposes will prevail now, right? I can't wait. I am so done with the waiting and am sure the ones in my close circle are tired of hearing about it. It truly is a struggle.
So, for now, I am trying to live in the now. Is there a place for looking ahead? It can't all be just living for what is here. Hopes and dreams are parts of working towards something, working forward. I will not stand still and have not been. As I have been struggling out of this all, I have been stripped of much- it is disorienting even. I feel sort of undone, like it is my second childhood and I am naive again, having to relearn all that I know.
Maybe that is the essence of being in my thirties. I am at the half way point and am ready to be put back together again. I am rebuilding my ideologies in light of all that I have been through up until this age, and with new thoughts and understanding. I wonder how many times this happens in one's life? Regardless, I am learning the balance of filling to pour out. It is a delicate balance for a mother. Grace is handed out moment to moment. Boundaries are loving all ways. Hope never disappoints. Scripture grounds me. It is the age of sifting through all that I know and reshaping what I want to pass down. This is really what it means to be clay. Anyways, cuddles are needed and bedtime is sacred. I hope to be in this creative and reflective space more often....

The Best Adventure

The best adventures happen when you take a leap. This reluctant Mamma has decided to travel for church. Today I was free to worship out-rightly in the dimmed sanctuary, prayer walls surrounding. Today the Pastor spoke such an amazingly spirit-filled message- it brought tears to my eyes. Today I felt filled up and reminded that I was tagged for heaven, by Jesus himself.
Then Garry met us and we headed up a mountain to Paul Lake. It was so beautiful; I could live there. Well, if not for the windy road that will soon be covered in winter snow. We had a wonderful family day and played at the water's edge. Autumn's colors were a perfect backdrop.
Today was the best adventure. We are set to go. I am set for change. Letting go. Or rather, running into the unknown. We are also headed the same way for our homeschooling activities. Check back in six months to see how it all pans out. I loved today.

 

A Sad Letting Go.

I once had this friend that I loved. I began to journey one way and her another. It pained me to be close as she would not let me fly. I wanted her to come with me so badly, but there was no strength in her to do so and I could not lift her up. She began to turn away from me more and more. I had to let her go. I hate letting go. I want things to stay the same. I am loyal to the grooves of comfort that are there in deep conversation and families joined in play. Letting go was hard and so sad. I still have a place in my heart for her. A hope for her. I am no longer letting myself be pulled and pained. This is a true story.
There is a place in my life that is just like this. A place that I love in part. A place that I wish to help so badly, that I would put my life on the line. This place isn't ready for change. It is too hard. There is no strength to do so, and I myself am emptied by the amount of pain it brings with it. And so, I have to let go. I am not sure if it even is the right thing to do, but then I remember my friend. You cannot make anyone decide for themselves, but you can choose to not to continue to be dragged down.
We have lived here six years now. It was not what I expected and God has done enormous amounts of healing in my life. I am also not connected to who I thought I would have been. But, six years and I need to be wise. We may love each other, but God takes us through seasons. I want to stay the same forever, but I do not want to stay in the same place.
Decisions are made and I will be walking in them. If they are not for us, they will swerve. If they are for us, we will finally have some relief. I am tired. Maybe I am walking the wrong way and the wind is blowing in my face, not allowing me to breathe. I am going to turn around now. The journey will be easier with the wind at my back, stirring me on.

a week of overwhelm

A strange week so far. Smoke in the air. It has been time with old friends and time in the city. This day was introspective on opposite ends. I have found more stripping of the old, and more familiarity to the new. Today I enjoyed the dentist just because I chatted with a wonderful faith-filled hygienist. Today I was let down by a friend. I don't care what happens as long as there's Jesus. Stripping hurts though. I have been thinking of what I want, personally and beyond what I hope for everyone else. Beyond what has been and could be. I want to live beyond the comforting mundane. The dulling mundane. Specifically, I want to live in the city. I don't want to be in a small and struggling, unbalanced church. I want to be part of a church with a strong foundation and a healthy gathering of all generations. I want a home that functions better, functions well. I want practicality, as that is my personality ingrained. Most of all, I want to be able to have more quality time with my own family and quiet time for myself. I need to be healthier, not more tired and run down. I need to be filled and fellowship, not let down and left alone. I need to be free to be creative, not hushed and overwhelmed. Today I felt almost like the last tie was cut and it is okay. Today I had a date with my eldest son too. I want more of that. It seems we are all left empty at the end of running out and driving around. I want to go to an appointment and then come home for lunch. I want night studies and winter classes, and freedom to be who we are created to be. I want diversity and truth.

A Starting Place

It was a lovely introspective drive both in and out of town today. It is a good Sunday. There was a good word spoken at church. I am thinking about where we stand; where we are headed. I like labels. I like to know where I am and where I am going, but right now I am in the fray of indecision. Or maybe I am still waiting. I have no answers. I have wanted to begin this new story, but I have no idea where this story starts. So, I am just going to move forward.
Church: Jesus is my foundation.  He is my marker. I was thinking back to all I have been through and his will was always my prayer, even in the worst times..... "God, I choose you".... "God, change me".... "God, use me".... "God, teach me from this hard situation".... "God, don't let go of me".... "God, give me a friend that understands where I have been but knows you too".... "God, heal me".... "God, redeem my life".... "God, use me".... "God, do your will for me and my family".... I have always had a desire to choose Him back and then to teach that to my children. I long to be with people who desire the same, and that at the forefront of their lives. Like all people, I am flawed and so I fight for a place where I can strive for the best place to do this. I find myself at a place where I am driving again for church. I feel like this church is fostering our family for now, and I hope they will eventually be able to take us in. This is the best way that I can describe it. I feel like I needed some respite. I was beginning to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and despairing again. I know that I may be called back home/here again, but for now I am experiencing healing, and restorative rest.
Health: We have been sick. My husband is sick. My soul has been sick. My kids are catching every sickness that comes by. I think it is a reflection of everything that is going on. No one just gets this sick ongoing. It is tiring to care for the sick with no seeming end relief. Hm.... maybe that is a thought to meditate on for a few minutes....
Friends: I am grateful for my friends. I don't need many, but I have been given a few that are amazing, loving mothers. They live Jesus and are kind, prayerful, worshipful, and live with intention. At the same time, I feel divided in places from these friends. The church here, with all it's binding tied around, has caused us all to be thrown into different places. Each one has gone to where they can guard their children from each tie that does not nurture growth in a growing family. It may seem hard to say so, but when I check my thoughts, it is plain to see. I am not afraid of the confrontation that may come from saying so, but of misunderstandings. I pray for all truth to be told and held onto so that we may not be so divided.
Living location: I never loved the small town living. I grew up in the city and I love the feel of a city. I like being around people and I like the diversity. I love that there is much opportunity for learning, for helping, and for growing. I am tired of all the driving. I would love the convenience of being near to the grocery store, the doctor, the pool, the arts, and more. I want my children to be able to grow in their own way and in what interests them, being able to expand on those things fully. The opportunities for every aspect of life seems more full in city living at this point. There are some contrasts to these points but overall moving is in consideration. It is all not up to me though.
Homeschooling: I am loving homeschooling. After three years, we are developing a good way of making sure each child is progressing and are seeing their natural skills coming out. This next year will be a little different as we register, and therefore, are accountable to our own plans. I am looking forward to even more freedom and letting the kids dive into what sparks their interests, of course with some guidelines too.
Me: I need some space to breathe. I need places where I can have a quiet coffee or tea, places where I am encouraged, places where I can minister from my abilities, places where I can seek help, places where I can take each child on special dates, and I need dates with my husband too. I need to go see the doctor, and the optometrist. And, I need more time for quiet prayer.
These thoughts are where I start. What do I choose? Which places do I make changes? Changes are coming regardless. Like my friend said to me today, "It is already written."
I am thankful for God's good plans. I am thankful for old stories and new stories. I am thankful for home and friends. I am thankful for changes that sometimes feel like ripping out, because eventually they may be known as replanting.