I have written so much in my heart but have not put it to type lately. It is my least favorite time of the year. The struggle with not letting depression win as we are cooped up in these mountains, and always sick for the month of February. My life in this very moment is resembling the end of winter; hopeful sun and then back stepping winter. I wish I could just for a moment see the clear view of a part of what is ahead. It will be none of us, because we are at our end and have nothing left of control to make it all work. It will be all up to God. Our plans are failing. I guess that means that God's purposes will prevail now, right? I can't wait. I am so done with the waiting and am sure the ones in my close circle are tired of hearing about it. It truly is a struggle.
So, for now, I am trying to live in the now. Is there a place for looking ahead? It can't all be just living for what is here. Hopes and dreams are parts of working towards something, working forward. I will not stand still and have not been. As I have been struggling out of this all, I have been stripped of much- it is disorienting even. I feel sort of undone, like it is my second childhood and I am naive again, having to relearn all that I know.
Maybe that is the essence of being in my thirties. I am at the half way point and am ready to be put back together again. I am rebuilding my ideologies in light of all that I have been through up until this age, and with new thoughts and understanding. I wonder how many times this happens in one's life? Regardless, I am learning the balance of filling to pour out. It is a delicate balance for a mother. Grace is handed out moment to moment. Boundaries are loving all ways. Hope never disappoints. Scripture grounds me. It is the age of sifting through all that I know and reshaping what I want to pass down. This is really what it means to be clay. Anyways, cuddles are needed and bedtime is sacred. I hope to be in this creative and reflective space more often....
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label health. Show all posts
Friday, March 4, 2016
Thursday, August 20, 2015
How the Pro-Choice Movement Has Made Me Less of a Mother.
Next Wednesday it marks ten years since little Mac's birth. Since his death. Since his stillbirth. I am one who likes to put a name to things and I am not even sure how to ever approach the way I talk about it all. Our culture has built up boundaries for the way we can, or do, view young life at this point.
I was twenty-four years old and sixteen weeks pregnant when I found out he was gone. I was sixteen weeks pregnant which is labelled as not counting, not a child, just a fetus.... So, at sixteen weeks pregnant, I was sent home with drugs to help bring forth this fetus. At home I laboured in my bathtub for four and a half hours, doped up on multiple Tylenol Fours, and with not even a follow-up doctor's appointment.
Two weeks later, without even being able to get dressed that morning, I found myself in another doctor's office crying for help. Post traumatic stress she said- is it devastating to lose a child, even a child not yet considered a child.
I will tell you, he was a child. When my body was done dispelling this lost life, I held him. I held a full baby, lost somewhere between eight and sixteen weeks. I saw his formed body, his eyes, his little arms and feet. A baby encased so perfectly in his embryonic sac. When it was all over I wrapped him in a towel, put him in a shoe box, and threw him away. I threw my child away. Since he was not considered a child, I had nowhere to mourn, nowhere to bury him. I knew he was already with God, and I let him go in the most painful and undignified way.
All the time I count my children up. I have four living breathing children now. I have two that have gone. I was a mother then, just as I am now. I felt that little soul inside myself. Each time I have carried a child, they have totalled my children for medical history, and each time I have to explain.... I have had two missed miscarriages (as is labelled the way I lost my children) and four children.
Why do my babies not count as babies? Just maybe, then we would have to ask some real and honest questions of our pro-choice culture. Having babies, wanted or unwanted, is hard. Losing conceived babies at any point in time is hard. They are all life, just as we began. I am a mother of six.
I was twenty-four years old and sixteen weeks pregnant when I found out he was gone. I was sixteen weeks pregnant which is labelled as not counting, not a child, just a fetus.... So, at sixteen weeks pregnant, I was sent home with drugs to help bring forth this fetus. At home I laboured in my bathtub for four and a half hours, doped up on multiple Tylenol Fours, and with not even a follow-up doctor's appointment.
Two weeks later, without even being able to get dressed that morning, I found myself in another doctor's office crying for help. Post traumatic stress she said- is it devastating to lose a child, even a child not yet considered a child.
I will tell you, he was a child. When my body was done dispelling this lost life, I held him. I held a full baby, lost somewhere between eight and sixteen weeks. I saw his formed body, his eyes, his little arms and feet. A baby encased so perfectly in his embryonic sac. When it was all over I wrapped him in a towel, put him in a shoe box, and threw him away. I threw my child away. Since he was not considered a child, I had nowhere to mourn, nowhere to bury him. I knew he was already with God, and I let him go in the most painful and undignified way.
All the time I count my children up. I have four living breathing children now. I have two that have gone. I was a mother then, just as I am now. I felt that little soul inside myself. Each time I have carried a child, they have totalled my children for medical history, and each time I have to explain.... I have had two missed miscarriages (as is labelled the way I lost my children) and four children.
Why do my babies not count as babies? Just maybe, then we would have to ask some real and honest questions of our pro-choice culture. Having babies, wanted or unwanted, is hard. Losing conceived babies at any point in time is hard. They are all life, just as we began. I am a mother of six.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
a week of overwhelm
A strange week so far. Smoke in the air. It has been time with old friends and time in the city. This day was introspective on opposite ends. I have found more stripping of the old, and more familiarity to the new. Today I enjoyed the dentist just because I chatted with a wonderful faith-filled hygienist. Today I was let down by a friend. I don't care what happens as long as there's Jesus. Stripping hurts though. I have been thinking of what I want, personally and beyond what I hope for everyone else. Beyond what has been and could be.
I want to live beyond the comforting mundane. The dulling mundane. Specifically, I want to live in the city. I don't want to be in a small and struggling, unbalanced church. I want to be part of a church with a strong foundation and a healthy gathering of all generations. I want a home that functions better, functions well. I want practicality, as that is my personality ingrained. Most of all, I want to be able to have more quality time with my own family and quiet time for myself. I need to be healthier, not more tired and run down. I need to be filled and fellowship, not let down and left alone. I need to be free to be creative, not hushed and overwhelmed.
Today I felt almost like the last tie was cut and it is okay. Today I had a date with my eldest son too. I want more of that. It seems we are all left empty at the end of running out and driving around. I want to go to an appointment and then come home for lunch. I want night studies and winter classes, and freedom to be who we are created to be. I want diversity and truth.
Sunday, May 17, 2015
A Starting Place
It was a lovely introspective drive both in and out of town today. It is a good Sunday. There was a good word spoken at church. I am thinking about where we stand; where we are headed. I like labels. I like to know where I am and where I am going, but right now I am in the fray of indecision. Or maybe I am still waiting. I have no answers. I have wanted to begin this new story, but I have no idea where this story starts. So, I am just going to move forward.
Church: Jesus is my foundation. He is my marker. I was thinking back to all I have been through and his will was always my prayer, even in the worst times..... "God, I choose you".... "God, change me".... "God, use me".... "God, teach me from this hard situation".... "God, don't let go of me".... "God, give me a friend that understands where I have been but knows you too".... "God, heal me".... "God, redeem my life".... "God, use me".... "God, do your will for me and my family".... I have always had a desire to choose Him back and then to teach that to my children. I long to be with people who desire the same, and that at the forefront of their lives. Like all people, I am flawed and so I fight for a place where I can strive for the best place to do this. I find myself at a place where I am driving again for church. I feel like this church is fostering our family for now, and I hope they will eventually be able to take us in. This is the best way that I can describe it. I feel like I needed some respite. I was beginning to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and despairing again. I know that I may be called back home/here again, but for now I am experiencing healing, and restorative rest.
Health: We have been sick. My husband is sick. My soul has been sick. My kids are catching every sickness that comes by. I think it is a reflection of everything that is going on. No one just gets this sick ongoing. It is tiring to care for the sick with no seeming end relief. Hm.... maybe that is a thought to meditate on for a few minutes....
Friends: I am grateful for my friends. I don't need many, but I have been given a few that are amazing, loving mothers. They live Jesus and are kind, prayerful, worshipful, and live with intention. At the same time, I feel divided in places from these friends. The church here, with all it's binding tied around, has caused us all to be thrown into different places. Each one has gone to where they can guard their children from each tie that does not nurture growth in a growing family. It may seem hard to say so, but when I check my thoughts, it is plain to see. I am not afraid of the confrontation that may come from saying so, but of misunderstandings. I pray for all truth to be told and held onto so that we may not be so divided.
Living location: I never loved the small town living. I grew up in the city and I love the feel of a city. I like being around people and I like the diversity. I love that there is much opportunity for learning, for helping, and for growing. I am tired of all the driving. I would love the convenience of being near to the grocery store, the doctor, the pool, the arts, and more. I want my children to be able to grow in their own way and in what interests them, being able to expand on those things fully. The opportunities for every aspect of life seems more full in city living at this point. There are some contrasts to these points but overall moving is in consideration. It is all not up to me though.
Homeschooling: I am loving homeschooling. After three years, we are developing a good way of making sure each child is progressing and are seeing their natural skills coming out. This next year will be a little different as we register, and therefore, are accountable to our own plans. I am looking forward to even more freedom and letting the kids dive into what sparks their interests, of course with some guidelines too.
Me: I need some space to breathe. I need places where I can have a quiet coffee or tea, places where I am encouraged, places where I can minister from my abilities, places where I can seek help, places where I can take each child on special dates, and I need dates with my husband too. I need to go see the doctor, and the optometrist. And, I need more time for quiet prayer.
These thoughts are where I start. What do I choose? Which places do I make changes? Changes are coming regardless. Like my friend said to me today, "It is already written."
I am thankful for God's good plans. I am thankful for old stories and new stories. I am thankful for home and friends. I am thankful for changes that sometimes feel like ripping out, because eventually they may be known as replanting.
Church: Jesus is my foundation. He is my marker. I was thinking back to all I have been through and his will was always my prayer, even in the worst times..... "God, I choose you".... "God, change me".... "God, use me".... "God, teach me from this hard situation".... "God, don't let go of me".... "God, give me a friend that understands where I have been but knows you too".... "God, heal me".... "God, redeem my life".... "God, use me".... "God, do your will for me and my family".... I have always had a desire to choose Him back and then to teach that to my children. I long to be with people who desire the same, and that at the forefront of their lives. Like all people, I am flawed and so I fight for a place where I can strive for the best place to do this. I find myself at a place where I am driving again for church. I feel like this church is fostering our family for now, and I hope they will eventually be able to take us in. This is the best way that I can describe it. I feel like I needed some respite. I was beginning to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and despairing again. I know that I may be called back home/here again, but for now I am experiencing healing, and restorative rest.
Health: We have been sick. My husband is sick. My soul has been sick. My kids are catching every sickness that comes by. I think it is a reflection of everything that is going on. No one just gets this sick ongoing. It is tiring to care for the sick with no seeming end relief. Hm.... maybe that is a thought to meditate on for a few minutes....
Friends: I am grateful for my friends. I don't need many, but I have been given a few that are amazing, loving mothers. They live Jesus and are kind, prayerful, worshipful, and live with intention. At the same time, I feel divided in places from these friends. The church here, with all it's binding tied around, has caused us all to be thrown into different places. Each one has gone to where they can guard their children from each tie that does not nurture growth in a growing family. It may seem hard to say so, but when I check my thoughts, it is plain to see. I am not afraid of the confrontation that may come from saying so, but of misunderstandings. I pray for all truth to be told and held onto so that we may not be so divided.
Living location: I never loved the small town living. I grew up in the city and I love the feel of a city. I like being around people and I like the diversity. I love that there is much opportunity for learning, for helping, and for growing. I am tired of all the driving. I would love the convenience of being near to the grocery store, the doctor, the pool, the arts, and more. I want my children to be able to grow in their own way and in what interests them, being able to expand on those things fully. The opportunities for every aspect of life seems more full in city living at this point. There are some contrasts to these points but overall moving is in consideration. It is all not up to me though.
Homeschooling: I am loving homeschooling. After three years, we are developing a good way of making sure each child is progressing and are seeing their natural skills coming out. This next year will be a little different as we register, and therefore, are accountable to our own plans. I am looking forward to even more freedom and letting the kids dive into what sparks their interests, of course with some guidelines too.
Me: I need some space to breathe. I need places where I can have a quiet coffee or tea, places where I am encouraged, places where I can minister from my abilities, places where I can seek help, places where I can take each child on special dates, and I need dates with my husband too. I need to go see the doctor, and the optometrist. And, I need more time for quiet prayer.
These thoughts are where I start. What do I choose? Which places do I make changes? Changes are coming regardless. Like my friend said to me today, "It is already written."
I am thankful for God's good plans. I am thankful for old stories and new stories. I am thankful for home and friends. I am thankful for changes that sometimes feel like ripping out, because eventually they may be known as replanting.
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