Thoughts on Joy.

Thoughts on this everyday morn.... When did we forget how to dance?

I was six years old when I learned how to dance. To really dance. Breaking free from any insecurities and realizing that we could rejoice until giddy under the praises of a loving God. No one shamed us, no parent stopped us- in fact they joined us. In a church whose identity became confused after throwing off all boxed-in legalistic ideologies. A church who through prayer, prophetic, and praise lost their denominational rights. What a thought, and one that gives me joy- to be so wrapped up in Jesus that no one can label you by a regulation.
Anyways, in that church (that sought the Lord) I learned how to freely dance. In my home sometimes I still freely dance. But, in the church we have lost our joy. It is so infrequent that every prophecy spoken out seems to be reminding us that God really loves us. He loves us. We cling to these songs of the same, but we are once again bound up with insecurities about who we are and how we come across. We are so worried about looking loving enough from the outside, that we have forgotten that we are loved wholly inside. We dance out of joy and we rejoice when we feel loved. When our souls are fueled by love and secure creativity. When did we stop being creative? When did we stop being expressive? When did we lose our ability to dance?
I learned to dance again when I was sixteen. In a church that drew in all types from all different walks of life. It ended in a mess of human chaos but it was not all for nothing and I refuse to forget that anymore. It was a time that reminded us to dance together. A human or two, or three, they failed us, but God in our midst, He caused us to dance.
I long for a place that facilitates the joy that brings us to dance. We have spent so long pleading on our knees, and God has heard us over again. I pray that this year we will hear the songs sung over us and it frees us to openly and physically rejoice. I hesitantly say this as my body is tired but I know that this year is already marked with joy. There are some good promises in the works.... and God never fails.

Watching the Redeeming Heart of God

Today is a good day. Today I am moved with the binding of everything being gathered together toward something wholly good. Today I am feeling interwoven and changed together with a spiritual family, as only God can orchestrate. My prayers meet your prayers, and we are all changed, and we all share a story now. I have sight of my answered prayers and I will always record this wonder to remember the wholeness and freedom that comes as one just grasps the edge of God's goodness, His loving-kindness, sometimes even unexplainable.
Today is Sunday. People gather to be filled up, to meet together, to find community. Today I feel emptied-out, free and whole, hopeful and humbled. Maybe this is how it was intended to be. Maybe we aren't to look for something to hold onto, but rather come to lay things down. To be unwound, unburdened, freed-up, and undone. To forgive and heal. To be forgiven and healed. I saw a man with joy on his face, being healed onward today, and it sent a ripple across the church body. Or at least it moved me to be undone, for God's goodness is so so good and it meant exceedingly much to at least a few. I am still undone. That there was made a space, unselfishly, for this man to step up. It brings a sense of hope. A hope that doesn't disappoint.
And, today our lead pastor left the front to go downstairs and teach our kids, alongside his wife. Have you ever known a pastor to leave the pulpit for the week to teach to the kids? My heart is so much for people that know Jesus well to speak into my kid's lives. I intentionally send them out, hoping for this- for them to catch a glimpse of God's very heart in other people. This is not something that can be manufactured, it has to come from within. It can't be written into the lesson planner, but comes from prayer and actually caring for the kids.
If you know the heart of me, today is a good good day that the Lord has created and planned for. A day where I saw God's heart of redemption, and of His heart for generations. Some more of the things I have prayed for so fervently, and the things that I hope for.
Today I thought about our church and tried to put many thoughts into simple words as we drove homeward. It came to my mind that this growth feels like a Davidic-heart culture; very broken and real people moving towards the heart of God.
I am emptied out and filled up.

Ridiculously Refreshing

Sometimes a fire of writing-it-down comes quickly to me. I will be worshipping or prayerful and need to stop and write, right now. Sometimes a thought sticks and I need to pass it on. Sometimes I see a beautiful metaphoric picture. I cannot reproduce these instances and I am seeing more and more that I need to share them. They are not for my benefit but for exhortation, encouragement, or confirmation.
Here is one of these instances from this evening as I was worshipping and cleaning my kitchen, in awe of what God is doing....

I am so excited for what is going on (in a little town) not far from here. He has answered the prayers of the middle generation and brought back their grown children, even the ones on the edge are bending in this year, or will be. You watch! It is a season of breakthrough and restoration, which will lead to a season of new revival.
Two years ago was the most painful for me and many alongside me too. It was more painful to go through and be in the church than 1997. And, if you were there, you know the wave of destruction and division that followed then. But, this time the children now grown, who went through that time, were already praying. And, God was in it.
Instead of division and conflict bringing chaos, it has instead been a Holy shaking that is working even backwards to expose and restore old battle scars and vices used to cope. It is drawing in the ones who know the history and even those who don't but are praying through, to say we will uphold and rebuild and we choose to fight for the promises God gave those before us.
 It has been twenty years exactly to the year 1997, for me. God is working in this moment, even backwards to restore people who are not even in the immediate situation anymore. He will heal the wounded and tossed aside. Roots are coming up. Spirits/hearts are being ignited again. We are seeing visions. These days will change for our children. We will not follow the old struggles into the next generation. We will pray intentionally, with open eyes, shackles off, for our children's children. Bring on the new wall!

Of the Rocky Hill

I have not typed a single word on this blog in what seems like forever. It has been a season of figuring out our new life in the city. I have had many a thought to express, but life has gotten busy. I have had to make do with smaller, easier spaces to write for now. Like in this moment I have children badgering me with requests and questions, and as my kids get older and bedtimes shift, I have lost more of my nighttime quiet block. I however have not lost my creative mind. *Wink*
This is a weird season of rest. I feel like God has allowed me to have a much needed restorative separation. I honestly begged Him for it, and I know He lovingly said yes. I have a picture in my mind of what that looks like, that I am wanting/learning to paint. This healing rest is strange, and in part, painful. I am wrecked in a sense and it feels raw. It is like being carved out with a spoon as the potter reshapes who I am. And in this, some of the whole is kept, but the edges are being made more beautiful. Again my person is being sanctified and resettled, redeemed.
However, I feel like I am at the ugly middle of it all. I can't even see all the purpose in it all yet, or my fave; the inklings. I have faith that it will all be molded together, though. This is not my first rebuild. My God is a good God. The other side of that feeling of being wrecked, is seeing things differently, and revisiting places already experienced. I am finding thoughts that I had doubted and put aside, relit to belief again.  Every time I get to this place of growth and stretch, there is a longing in me to dive into the mission field. I want to leave mediocre life and abandon it all. This time around though, I am beginning to see people with the same vision around me. And it came surprisingly, in part of course because God is cool like that.
Just last night, I was journaling about the women who have spoken into my life powerfully and have been influential in growing some part of it. I want to explore those thoughts greater... What is the common thread? Who are they? What qualities did I admire? I am not done my list of women, but I feel like it is leading to a sort of personal mission statement. I am also seeing purposes and spiritual gifts growing in my person.
I am finding as I rest on this rocky hill, I am seeing myself in a more prophetic light regarding spiritual gifts. It is sort of blowing me away actually- I am still a little unsure of how it all looks. I am drawn into counselling as a purpose to work towards. I love the workings of the mind and how everything works together, and how we create change. I still am passionate about encouraging women, so so much. I long to be in study of the bible beyond a capacity that I can find, which gives me a desire to create that myself, and why not?! I have for years had books stored up in my mind, and this year I wrote an actual outline on paper. Life is so fun and ever new. Although, I tend to lean towards the initial thought that life is hard, so I will note that as refreshing.
So, this is my life on the hill. Being renewed amidst a place of being wrecked. It is lovely and frustrating. Angering and settling. Hopeful and cry-worthy. I am rebelling, yet being wooed back to places of my youth. Boomerang spirituality.

We are all the same.

We have been feeding poor people. It all started at Tim Horton's after swim lessons one day. There was a girl there who had a sign that read that she just wanted some food-  she would take anything. I wanted to invite her in for lunch but it is a tricky thing with children, and I was not sure about my husband's reaction. There was also a little fear there, I am sure. Instead I bought a gift card for her from that Tim's, but when we left she was already gone. It was then that we started a discussion about helping people and why they even needed help in the first place. Days later, we were in the city and there was a man on the corner with a sign asking for food. We gave him the gift card and told him that it must have been for him. From then on, I have had many talks with my kids about people in need- why they may be in need, that they are just like us but may have made bad decisions, or maybe they have not have been loved well. Anyways, I am not making this admission for my own sake. This is just the back story for today. Today my mother's heart soared to know that the message is getting through.

After church we were going for lunch, when once again we saw a woman with a sign, asking for change this time. We went and got our lunch and bought her some too. I also had twenty dollars in my wallet and gave her that. When I handed it to her, I saw her face, and knew she must be taking drugs with all the sores I saw. It was sad and I later thought to myself that I wished I could have stayed awhile, heard her story and told her that she is loved. I thought maybe I shouldn't have given her the money since she may use it for harm, but that is up to her now. When we drove away up the highway, I asked my kids what they thought and felt about helping poor people. My son spoke first, "It makes me feel happy and sort of creeped out."
I talked to him about the creeped out feeling and I asked him why it made him feel happy? He responded, "Because we are helping someone."
"Why would you feel happy about helping someone?" I wanted to know. "Why would you care about someone you don't even know?"
"Because we are all loved by God," was his simple reply.

He gets it.

Do we get it? I love his answer. I want that to sink in.

We are all the same.

I WILL NOT STAND STILL.

Maybe we should be going out instead of gathering. I have always felt like you can only grow so much until you desire to do more. Isn't the purpose of gathering to make a plan? Isn't the purpose of gathering together, to build each other up for good works. Not just for ourselves. And I would dare to say, not even just for our children. How are they to know how to have servants hearts if we are not serving? How are they to know the joy of selflessness for the sake of others? I have the best memories, the kind in which my heart soars, in simple ministry.
My Aunt and Uncle used to run a place called the Hope House. I remember that they would open these big doors and let in whoever would like to come off of the street. It was a time for a free, hot meal. It was also a time for getting to know people and being together. I loved to sit and sing with my Uncle as he played worship songs. It was where my desire to learn guitar was first formed. I loved the feeling of doing something beyond and I still love the thought of worshipping amidst the poor and broken. How awesome to break some heaviness. Music and mingling. My Aunt, she loved to serve, feeding the physical hunger. Church lived out.
I do not have a strong spirit. Although, that could be debated, I never feel it. But in these times I am brave. I want to feel more bravery. I will not stand still. I have to do more. I feel blessed in the intentional going. I want the times of sitting, of gathering, to develop a burning in my heart for serving. I need both; filling and pouring out. I don't want to be dry and I don't want to be stagnant. So, oh Lord, give me clarity. Let decisions be separate and one side of my frustrated thoughts be stronger than the other. I know what is valuable and I know what is ultimate. You are the forefront of my wanting, but I cannot see clearly. And, I am not the only one choosing in all of this. Let me not be leaning to the wrong side or pushing for the wrong outcomes, or with the wrong intentions. Your will be done.

Church

Church politics. It is a strange thing. Somewhat important, and somewhat distracting from the purpose of Christianity. I have been sometimes attending a Pentecostal church. The word Pentecostal used to bother me a bit because of personal experience. It brought thoughts of ego and super spiritual out-there-ness. The Pentecostal church should be more like the Baptist church, be more put together- more articulate. Or should they? I grew up in different Baptist churches in part. The thought of Baptist churches bring me feelings of home and stability, but they can also be a bore. The Baptist church can be very legalistic. They should be more free like the Pentecostals? Or should they? What is biblical? When I lived up North I found a good place, a Mennonite Brethren church. MB churches are great, or this one was. I liked their broken down nature, the kind that drew in people with acceptance. That church brings thoughts of family togetherness. I have also been part of an Alliance church, a Vineyard church, a Lutheran church even, among a few others (just as a result of living in different places). I would love a bit of all these parts- free like a Pentecostal, strong like a Baptist, kind like the MB, liturgical like a Lutheran, but worshipful like the Vineyard. But, is that the point? Is that the church?
I have a friend that raises someone else's baby, and only for a time. She does it not for selfish gain, but to make a small, significant difference in that child's life. That is the church. I have another friend who has decided to raise many of her own children and without any debt, as to example that children and family are a blessing that God will provide for. That is the church. Another friend, has moved to a poor country and is working with people that need help physically and spiritually to live beyond their poverty. She is easing the hardship of their lives. That is the church. A friend so dear to me, is taking on a ministry to mothers in need, some of them in crisis pregnancies. She is using all of the experiences of her life to speak to women in the same hard places. She is the church. When it comes to meeting in a church building, I am drawn to the culture of a church. I want to be part of a church that speaks of these things in who they are and what they do collectively. I want structure, stability, and biblical purity, just like the rest, but it can't end there. I don't want to spend all my time figuring out what I am while missing who I am- redeemed. What am I doing that reflects who I am and says, "I am the church?"

A Starting Place

It was a lovely introspective drive both in and out of town today. It is a good Sunday. There was a good word spoken at church. I am thinking about where we stand; where we are headed. I like labels. I like to know where I am and where I am going, but right now I am in the fray of indecision. Or maybe I am still waiting. I have no answers. I have wanted to begin this new story, but I have no idea where this story starts. So, I am just going to move forward.
Church: Jesus is my foundation.  He is my marker. I was thinking back to all I have been through and his will was always my prayer, even in the worst times..... "God, I choose you".... "God, change me".... "God, use me".... "God, teach me from this hard situation".... "God, don't let go of me".... "God, give me a friend that understands where I have been but knows you too".... "God, heal me".... "God, redeem my life".... "God, use me".... "God, do your will for me and my family".... I have always had a desire to choose Him back and then to teach that to my children. I long to be with people who desire the same, and that at the forefront of their lives. Like all people, I am flawed and so I fight for a place where I can strive for the best place to do this. I find myself at a place where I am driving again for church. I feel like this church is fostering our family for now, and I hope they will eventually be able to take us in. This is the best way that I can describe it. I feel like I needed some respite. I was beginning to be overwhelmed, exhausted, and despairing again. I know that I may be called back home/here again, but for now I am experiencing healing, and restorative rest.
Health: We have been sick. My husband is sick. My soul has been sick. My kids are catching every sickness that comes by. I think it is a reflection of everything that is going on. No one just gets this sick ongoing. It is tiring to care for the sick with no seeming end relief. Hm.... maybe that is a thought to meditate on for a few minutes....
Friends: I am grateful for my friends. I don't need many, but I have been given a few that are amazing, loving mothers. They live Jesus and are kind, prayerful, worshipful, and live with intention. At the same time, I feel divided in places from these friends. The church here, with all it's binding tied around, has caused us all to be thrown into different places. Each one has gone to where they can guard their children from each tie that does not nurture growth in a growing family. It may seem hard to say so, but when I check my thoughts, it is plain to see. I am not afraid of the confrontation that may come from saying so, but of misunderstandings. I pray for all truth to be told and held onto so that we may not be so divided.
Living location: I never loved the small town living. I grew up in the city and I love the feel of a city. I like being around people and I like the diversity. I love that there is much opportunity for learning, for helping, and for growing. I am tired of all the driving. I would love the convenience of being near to the grocery store, the doctor, the pool, the arts, and more. I want my children to be able to grow in their own way and in what interests them, being able to expand on those things fully. The opportunities for every aspect of life seems more full in city living at this point. There are some contrasts to these points but overall moving is in consideration. It is all not up to me though.
Homeschooling: I am loving homeschooling. After three years, we are developing a good way of making sure each child is progressing and are seeing their natural skills coming out. This next year will be a little different as we register, and therefore, are accountable to our own plans. I am looking forward to even more freedom and letting the kids dive into what sparks their interests, of course with some guidelines too.
Me: I need some space to breathe. I need places where I can have a quiet coffee or tea, places where I am encouraged, places where I can minister from my abilities, places where I can seek help, places where I can take each child on special dates, and I need dates with my husband too. I need to go see the doctor, and the optometrist. And, I need more time for quiet prayer.
These thoughts are where I start. What do I choose? Which places do I make changes? Changes are coming regardless. Like my friend said to me today, "It is already written."
I am thankful for God's good plans. I am thankful for old stories and new stories. I am thankful for home and friends. I am thankful for changes that sometimes feel like ripping out, because eventually they may be known as replanting.